“PEANUT BUTTER SPOON”
Written by Robyn Alvarez (she/her)
Insta: robynalvarezmusic
Tiktok: robynalv
Artist Bio:
Robyn is a queer multi-media artist based in Falmouth (Cornwall) with a passion for telling queer stories whether that's through fiction writing, music or banging on about her wife :)
Tell us about your relationship between your art and identifying as a lesbian:
“My queerness is very inherent to everything I make/ do, because as artists, we draw from our experiences to create.
With writing, I definitely find 'writing what I know' is the best way for me to get the process flowing and (hopefully) avoid writers block, so the stories are very much inspired by personal experiences. I like to fill my life with queer joy (as we should) so a lot of my experiences that then inform and inspire my writing are inherently gay! Slay!
Of course, the other side of this is that it's not always easy to walk through life as a gay woman, so sometimes the inspiration comes from the hard moments- but that's where a lot of the best art comes from. So with a little bit of hardship and a little bit of gay love, hopefully I can create some good stories that people can enjoy and relate to!”
Tell us a bit about the piece you're submitting!
“Peanut Butter Spoon was inspired by a real life moment between my partner and I: Each morning we make the same breakfast with yoghurt, peanut butter, berries, nuts & seeds, and we use two spoons to make it (one for yoghurt and one for PB). We then eat the breakfast with those spoons (because we're lazy and don't want more washing up).
One day I realised that I like to give myself the peanut butter spoon because it's more yummy, and later noticed my partner did the same for herself. I then brought it up and we found it really funny. Now, when we are given the peanut butter spoon by the other, it's a really touching gesture that we both acknowledge is a sacrifice from the other. This little ritual of ours was so funny and sweet to me that I decided to turn it into a short series of fairly mundane but beautiful moments in a sapphic relationship.
We're so used to seeing lesbian love stories ending in tragedy in films/tv/books, so I wanted to write something calming, intimate and real for other queers to read and find comfort in.”
DIRTY DYKE NOTICE: Robyn identifies as bisexual, or most often queer because it’s hot and mysterious. She is very happily wifed off however, to the lesbian love of her life, Isabelle. Robyn is this month’s voice for our queer artists.
While our magazine is proudly dedicated to uplifting lesbian voices and experiences, we also believe in the power of solidarity across the LGBTQIA+ community. Once a month, we open our pages to a queer-identifying artist outside the lesbian community, because queer liberation is interconnected, and we grow stronger when we celebrate each other’s creativity.
This space is a way for us to amplify our queer siblings while staying rooted in our mission. By sharing their work alongside our own, we foster connection, visibility, and mutual support across the spectrum of queerness. This month, we're proud to feature Robyn as our chosen queer artist, bringing their unique voice into our collective space.
One Spoon.
PART ONE.
‘So…’ Drew looks up at her with a contained smile, causing her dimples to form deeply in her cheeks. Roxanne sucks on her straw and looks up to meet her eyes, before surfacing from her peanut butter milkshake and resting her head in both hands. She returns her smile causing Drew’s constraint to break, revealing all of her teeth which Roxanne thinks are cute- the way they overlap slightly, but glow flawlessly white in the light from the cafe.
‘So?’ Roxanne returns her line. The first thing to be said since the milkshakes arrived. Although of course there were looks and giggles exchanged, which really said more than words. Somehow, after such a short time of knowing each other, this unsaid conversation was completely legible to the almost strangers.
‘I can’t quite believe we’re actually on a date right now.’ Drew sits back in her chair with a confident look on her face and checks that her boxy white tee-shirt is still nicely tucked into her baggy, denim shorts. Roxanne, suddenly feeling shy, decides to avert her gaze, sure that her face does not reflect the same confidence. She takes a long drag from her straw, cold milky liquid filling her mouth and then falling smoothly down her throat so that she can feel it all the way down her chest. She wonders if the confidence on Drew’s face is because she’s proud to be sitting with her now, on a date, as she called it so casually. Or maybe she’s always this confident.
Drew watches as Roxanne drinks, avoiding her eyes at the mention of the date. Shit, she thinks. Maybe it was too bold to call it out like that. Although, she knows they both know what this is. Couldn’t have been made more obvious when she asked her out. Now, an unwanted feeling of doubt creeps into her chest.
‘You can’t? I can.’ A comeback so sure of itself that Drew lets out a short laugh, the doubt in her body dissipating and a flutter of butterflies replacing it.
‘Oh yeah? Why’s that?’ Drew takes a sip now, picking the glass up so that she can keep looking at Roxanne.
Roxanne feels her eyes on her as she struggles to return her gaze. The boldness from her reply just then taking herself aback. She wonders if she can continue to live up to the flirtation she seemed to promise with her response. She pushes her bangs away from her eyes and notices that her hands feel shaky. Quickly she places her hands back at her sides to hide the evidence.
‘Well,’ she begins swallowing, ‘It’s not exactly come out of no where has it?’ Drew smiles knowingly back at Roxanne as she says this. She bows her head and nods in agreement,
‘I guess not, no.’
They both laugh and take a drink.
‘It’s nice though.’ Drew says calmly and genuinely. A tone that feels soothing to Roxanne. ‘Nice to see you out of work, I mean, not busy with other people. Have you to myself.’ Even Drew seems a little nervous saying this, pink flushing her sun kissed cheeks.
‘Yeah, it’s nice to have a real conversation,’ Roxanne tries to reflect her genuine tone, knowing that it made her feel at home. ‘I guess I don’t know the first thing about you really. Other than the fact that you’re finishing your masters?’ Drew’s lips smack together and she nods with some vigour.
‘Yep. And all I really know about you is that you work in a cafe but you’re secretly a really talented painter who should be rich and famous by now but somehow…Isn’t?’ Drew tilts her head with a cheeky grin to punctuate this. Roxanne laughs unselfconsciously, throwing her head back.
‘Yeah, definitely nowhere near rich or famous unfortunately.’ She replies. Drew watches her tuck her hair behind her ears with dainty fingers, freckles decorating her cheeks. Her rings glisten in the light and dark eyes flash her quick looks before moving on to look elsewhere. The mystery and simultaneous comfort that her eyes present for Drew, the reason this whole thing began.
‘Well, I’m an open book really. Ask me anything you want to know.’ Drew interlaces her fingers and lays her hands on the table in front of her, inviting Roxanne to intuitively do the same. She rubs her lips together, thinking, then takes a sharp breath in to signify she’s thought of a question.
‘Is Drew short for anything? I’ve never met a Drew before.’ She looks at her now, eyes round and curious. Drew holds her gaze for a moment longer, soaking in the pure prettiness of her face. She lets out a sigh and laughs a little as she does.
‘No, it’s just Drew. Drew Cole.’ She says this and immediately wonders why she said her full name like that. She then decides to say something else to let that moment become buried by something better. ‘I’m actually named after Drew Barrymore.’
‘You are not!’ Roxanne lights up hearing this, she sits up straight and puts both hands around the back of her neck.
‘I’m deadly serious.’ Drew raises one eyebrow and purses her lips. Roxanne thinks how soft her lips would be to kiss. ‘My mum was really obsessed with her when I was born, still is actually. And now I guess me too-’
‘You’re fucking with me.’ Roxanne says bluntly. She’s shaking her head now and playing with the straw in her drink.
‘I’m seriously not! Why?’
‘Because my mum is obsessed with Drew Barrymore, we used to have movie nights together where we watched all of her movies.’
‘Shut up.’ Drew’s head falls dramatically into her hand.
‘No joke. We would eat peanut butter straight from the jar and watch Drew Barrymore films like every Friday night.’
‘Now you’re fucking with me.’ Drew says, sitting up tall so that she’s almost looking down at Roxanne. Her bone structure highlighted so nicely by the warm light. Roxanne looks up at her with a questioning look, lips parted- soft and plump. ‘Because I strongly believe- always have- that peanut butter is best when it’s eaten straight from the jar, with a spoon.’
Roxanne’s face forms a smile as she laughs, eyes closed and laugh lines forming what Drew thinks is the perfect picture of joy. She feels an overwhelming feeling of pride bursting in her chest to make her smile like that. It feels like sunlight beams from her sternum. She watches now as Roxanne takes a long tea spoon and scoops out the remnants of her milkshake from the bottom of the glass. As she draws the spoon from her lips slowly, cleaning it with her tongue, Drew sinks in her seat a little, feeling an overwhelming urge to kiss her, hold her, be near her.
As they walk down the high street in the golden evening light, Drew tells Roxanne a story from her travels last year: a trip around Europe with two friends from her undergrad course. Roxanne enjoys the way she sways as she walks, exuding a confidence in her own skin that she herself wishes to possess. She looks down at her hand, strong but soft, one ring decorating her index finger. She notices the desire to hold her hand as if she’d done it a hundred times before. She wonders how Drew would feel if she just did it, out of nowhere like that.
They reach the end of the street where Roxanne would turn off to go home and Drew would keep walking to the car park she’s parked in. They linger looking at each other, glowing, warm and full of anticipation. The clarity of how well this first date has gone hangs in the air, both painfully aware of how much they want it to continue. A desire so strong it feels to connect their two bodies at the core. Drew takes a deep breath in as her eyes bounce back and forth between Roxanne’s. Roxanne returns her breath and her gaze, this time for what feels like a long time.
‘This has been so nice.’ Drew says, her eyes spotting something above Roxanne’s eyes. Her hand finds it, a stray hair, gently returning it to its kin. Roxanne feels a flutter in her lower belly at this light graze of her skin. ‘Let’s do this again-’
‘Do you…’ Roxanne interrupts and lets the thought fall away out of embarrassment.
‘Do I?’ Drew asks impatient and hopeful.
‘No, it’s nothing, sorry I don’t want to be too forward.’
‘I literally love forward.’ Drew says with a flirtatious look on her face, making Roxanne blush and laugh awkwardly. Roxanne sways a little and Drew takes a step closer to her. Feeling the warmth of each others’ bodies, so close, so tempting.
‘I was gonna ask, if you’d like to come back to mine? We could… crack open a jar of peanut butter?’ Roxanne looks to Drew like a siren, tempting her in from the vicious waves of the sea. Her song so soothing, inviting and seductive.
‘Crunchy?’ Drew asks with a squint of her eyes. Without giving it another thought, her hands find Roxanne’s hips. Roxanne melts into her, finally feeling the relief of her hands firmly on her body. She returns the gesture, wrapping her arms around the back of Drew’s neck.
‘Always.’ She replies, leaning into her, planting a long, soft kiss on her lips. They breathe together, a feeling like they’re returning from something. Back where they belong, somehow. ‘Is that… a yes?’ Roxanne asks when they pull away from each other. Drew smiles, beamingly happy.
‘Always.’